EileenChang
WhenIgotofftheplaneinTaipeionmywaytoHongKong,IdidnotexpecttoseeanyoneIknew.IhadaskedtheChusnottomeetme,knowingtheywerebusyjustthen.Butitwaspossiblethattheywouldgetsomebodyelsetocomeintheirstead,soIwasnotsurprisedwhenanefficient-lookingmaninneatwesternclothesapproachedme."YouareMrs.RichardNixon?"HesaidinEnglish.
IhadseenmanyphotographsoftheblondeMrs.NixonandneverimaginedIresembledher.Besides,heshouldbeabletotellafellowChineseevenbehindherdarkglasses.Butwithawoman'sinabilitytodisbelieveacomplimentaltogether,nomatterhowflagrantlyuntrue,Irememberedthatshewasthin,whichIundoubtedlywas.Thentherewasthoseglasses."No,Iamsorry,"Isaid,andhewalkedawaytosearchamongtheotherpassengers.
ItstruckmeasalittleoddthatMrs.NixonshouldcometoFormosa,evenifeverybodyisvisitingtheOrientjustnow.Anyhowtheremusthavebeensomemix-up,astherewasonlythisoneembassyemployeetogreether.
"DidyouknowMrs.Nixoniscomingtoday?"IaskedmyfriendsMr.AndMrs.Chu,whohadturnedupafterall.
"No,wehaven'theard,"Mr.Chusaid.Itoldthemaboutthemanwhomistookmeforherandwhatajokethatwas."Um,"hesaidunsmiling.Thenhesaidsomewhatembarrassedly,"There'samanwhoisalwayshangingaroundtheairporttomeetAmericandignitaries.He'snotquitesane."
Ilaughed,thenwentunderFormosa'shugewaveofwistfulyearningfortheoutsideworld,particularlyAmerica,itsonlyfriendandthereforeinsomewaysafoe.
"Howdoesitfeeltobeback?"Mr.Chuasked.AlthoughIhadneverbeentherebefore,theyweregoingalongwiththeofficialassumptionthatFormosaisChina,themothercountryofallChinese.IlookedaroundthecrowdedairportanditreallywasChina,notthestrangeoneIlefttenyearsagoundertheCommunistsbuttheoneIknewbestandthoughthadvanishedforever.ThebuzzofMandarinvoicesalsomadeitdifferentfromHongKong.Afeelingofchronologicalconfusioncameoverme.
"Itfeelslikedreaming."Andtakinginallthefamiliarfacesspeakingthetonesofhomeland,Iexclaimed,"Butit'snotpossible!"Mr.ChusmiledruefullyasifIhadsaid,"Butyouareghosts."
Mrs.Chutoldmeaswelefttheairport,"Thisisanuglycity,buttheminuteyougetoutoftownitisbeautiful."
Theylodgedmeinamountaininn.IgottheGeneral'sSuite,wherethegeneralsstaywhentheycomeuphilltoreporttotheGeneralissimo,wholivesafewstepsawayacrosstheroad.Thesuitewasreachedthroughaseriesofdesertedlittlecourtyards,withitsownrockgardenandlotuspond.Inthesilencetherewasjustthesoundoftheeveningdrizzleonthebananapalmandinthebathroomatapofsulphurwaterconstantlyrunningoutofastonelionmouthandsplashingovertherimofthecementtank.Therewererattanfurnitureonthetatamiflooringandawardrobeandbedwithstainedsheets.Itoldmyselfnottobefastidious.Buttherewerebedbugs.FinallyIhadtogetupneardawntosleepontheledgeofthehonorrecess,whereinJapaneselivingroomsthebestvaseandpicturescrollaredisplayed.Themaidwasfrightenedwhenshecomeinthemorningandcouldnotfindme.
ItwasplainthatthegeneralshadfemininecompanionshipwhilespendingthenightawaitingaudiencewiththeGeneralissimo.IwonderedattheeaseofprocuringgirlsalmostnextdoortothatChristianandConfucianfounderoftheNewLifeMovement.Surelyitwasunseemlywith"Heaven'scountenanceonlyafootaway,"asweusedtodescribeanaudiencewiththeemperor.AfterIleftTaipeiforthecountryside,Irealizedthatprostitutionwasmoreopenonthislandthanperhapsanywhereelseintheworld.Inasmall-townnewspaperfiveorsixadvertisementsofthistypeappearedinoneday:"JoyandHappinessProstitutes'Domicile,1stclass.124ShinMingRoad.Swarmsofprettygirlslikeclouds,offeringthebestservices."
InthecountrysideFormosapeelsback,showingolderstrata.ThereweremorenativeFormosansthanrefugees.Themixedemotionsofmyhomecomingofsortsgavewaytopuretouristenthusiasm.
FromtimetotimeMrs.Chu,sittingnexttomeinthebus,whisperedurgently,"shandi,shandi!"Ijustcaughtaglimpseofashandi,ormountaindweller,agraylittlewraithwithwhiskerstattooedonhercheekscarryingababyonherbackandloiteringoutsideashopalongthehighway."Shandi,shandi!"Againthebreathlesslittlecryandanudge.IsawgypsylikechildreninraggedT-shirtsandskirts,carrying
smallerchildren."Theyallcometotownwhenthere'saJapanesepictureon,"Mrs.Chusaid.
"Oh,dotheyspeakJapanese?"
"Verywell."
ManyofthebuspassengerstalkedJapanese.TheyweretheearlyChinesesettlers,andasurprisingnumberoftheiryoungpeoplestillspokeJapanese.Thebusstoppedatwhatseemedtobethemiddleofnowhereandayoungmangotoff.Theconductorfollowedhim.Suddenlytherewasafight,thetworollingoverandoveronthewayside."Chigaruyo!Chigaruyo!"IcouldmakeouttheoneJapanesewordtheyoungmankeptshouting:"Mistake!Mistake!"Thedrivergotofftohelpbeathim.Thepassengerlearnedthatthismanwasalwaysstealingrides.Ithoughthowun-Chinesethesepeoplewere.InHongKongIhadseenastreetcarconductorfollowingafreeridertothestreetandgradholdofhisnecktie,inplaceofthepigtailwhichusedtobethefirstthingreachedforinabrawl.Butthatwasjustascuffleandexchangeofwords.Lastyearabusconductorwastakentothepolicestationonthecomplainofawomanhehadhitwithhisticketpuncher,amurderoustoolconductorswereforeverrattlingtoremindpeopletobuytickets.Buttherewereneveranyrealfightslikethis.
Finallythedriverandconductorletthemango.Hegotonhisfeetpantinganddustinghimself.Theydroveoff.Hestoodatattentioninhistornkhakishirtandsalutedthebusasitpassed.HedidnotlookoldenoughtohavebeeninthearmyinJapanesedays,butthatreverencewasdistinctlyJapanese.Oddlyenough,italsoremindedmeoftheCommunistChineseliningupalltheporters,sweepers,andpeddlersontherailwayplatform,eachpresentinghisbroom,pole,andbasketlikearmsasthetrainpulledout.Workershavebeentoldtolovetheirmachine,buttohavethempaytheirrespectstoitinthislittleritualseemedstrange.
FromFormosaIwentontoHongKong,whichIhadnotseenforsixyears.Thecitywasbeingtorndownandrebuiltintohighapartmentbuildings.Wholestreetsweredugup,withapostboxburieduptoitsneck,stillfunctioning.Therefugeesweresettleddown,hopingonlytoliveouttheirlivesinHongKong.TheyoungergenerationspeakCantoneseinschoolandrefusetospeakanythingelseathome,agoodexcusenottotalktotheirparentsthatotherteenagersmayenvy.
Themoreorlesswell-to-dohomesIsawweregettingincreasinglyAmericanized,withamahsbecomingtooexpensiveandwashingmachinestakingtheirplacealonewiththelastest-modelrefrigeratorsandhi-fiphonographsboughtontheinstallmentplan.Christmashadbecomeagreatoccasionforgiftsandpartiesfornon-Christianstoo.BoysandgirlshandedeachotherChristmascardsinschool.Onegirlwrotetoawomancolumnist:"Iamnineteenyearsold.MyfatherandIescapedfromnorthChinaayearago,crossingthecountrywithgreatdifficulty.WemadethelaststretchtoMacaoinasmallboatwhichwasfiredonbytheCommunists.MyfathercoveredmewithhisbodysohegotwoundedanddiedinthehospitalinMacao.IcametoHongKong,whereafriendoffather'sgotmeajobpayingaboutHK$100amonth[lessthantwentyAmericandollars],justenoughtokeepaliveandrentabunk.IamtheonlyonewithoutChristmasinallHongKong.PleasetellmeifIshouldgobackthemainland."
Sidebysidewithharrowingescapeslikethis,thereisalotofwhatseemstobeneedlessandfool-hardytrafficofrefugeesgoingbackforvisits."We'vegrownpoorfromsendingparcels,"mylandladytoldmeoncewithalittlelaugh.Shenevercouldleaveoffexplainingwhytheyhadtotakeinalodger.Sheandherhusbandsetbothsetsofparentsandotherdependentsnoodles,poprice,preservedmeatsandherbs,sugar,soy,peanutoil,andsoapeachmonthandclothinginseason.OfonebrandofBritish-madechickencubes,hermother-in-lawhadwrittenecstatically:"Thesecubeshavesolvedalltheproblemsofourtwomealsaday."Thesugartheydissolvedinwateranddrankasatonic.Herbrother,inalaborcampforharboringafriendaccusedofbeingaNationalistspy,isstillabletowriteheraskingforpillsforhisailingkidneyandswollenlegs.Herbrother,inalaborcampforharboringafriendaccusedofbeingaNationalistspy,isstillabletowriteheraskingforpillsforhisailingkidneyandswollenlegs.Heryoungersisterisdoctorassignedtoworkinthecountry."Shehastogooutonsickcallsatnight,whereit'spitchdarkandthegroundisunevenandshe'safraidofsnakes.Youknowhowyounggirlsare,"shesaid,justassheapologizedforherdaughtersmonopolizingthebathroom:"Youknowhowyounggirlsare."
Iwastheretoseeagreatpacking.Thelandladyhadarelativegoingback--awomaninherseventies--whocouldtakethingsinforthem.Thelandlady'shusbandwrestledwithloadsandropesalloverthekitchenfloor.Shebakedacakeandmadestewedpork.
"Theycanusethepottoo,"shesaid.
"HowisonetocarryapotofstewedporkallthewaytoShanghai?"
"Itwillbefrozen;thetrainisarefrigerator."
Shegotupatdawntoseetheoldladyoff,andshehadtogoalonetohelpcarrytheluggagepasttheinspectionsattheLohuborder.Thenextdayshecriedoutwhenshecameuponme:"Ha-ya,MissChang!Ialmostdidn'tcomeback."
"Butwhathappened?"
"Huh-yee-ya!Tobeginwith,therewerealtogethertoomanythings.Theoldlady'sfault,too---shehadsomanythingsofherown.Oildrums,cratesofsaltedfish,wholecartonsofcans.Clothes,bedding,potsandpans,enoughtofurnishahouse.Thecustomsmanwaslosinghistemper.Thenhecameuponsomechangeinherpurse,twenty,thirtycentsofJenMingPiaoshehadwithherwhenshecameoutlasttimeandforgottogetridof.You'renotsupposedtotakeCommunistmoneyin,soallhellbrokeloose.'Wheredidthiscomefrom?Ha?'And'Whatdoyoumeanbythis?Ha?'Turnedonmenow:'Whoareyou?AH?'"Mylandladyscrewedupherslant-eyedbabefacetoroaroutthe"Ahs"and"Has"."Ai-ya?aIsaidIknewnothingaboutthis,Ijustcametoseeheroff,butallthetimeIwasworriedtodeath."Shefrownedandcluckedwithannoyanceanddroppedhervoicetoawhisper."Thisoldladyhaddozensofnylonstockingssewninsideherthickpaddedgown."
"Tosell?"Iasked.
"No,justtogiveaspresents;womenweartheminsidetheirslacks."
"Butwhy?Whentheycan'tevenbeseen?"Andwithallthehungerweheardwasaround,Ithought.
"Notfull-lengthones."Thelandladygesturedtowardhercalves."Forthewivesofofficials.Shelikestobringeverybodysomething.Verycapableoldlady.SheimportsmoviesmadeinHongKong.Whatdoesshewantsomuchmoneyfor?Ha?Seventyandnochildren?Ha?"
Irememberedcomingouttenyearsago,walkingthelaststretchacrosstheLohuBridgewithitsroughwoodfloorclosedinonbothsidesbyguardhousesandfences.AgroupofusstoodwaitingaftertheHongKongpoliceontheothersideofthebarbedwirehadtakenourpapersawaytobestudied.Theytookalongtimeoverit.Itwasmidsummer.TheHongKongpoliceman,aleantallCantonesewithmonstrousdarkglasses,lookedcoolandarrogantashepacedaroundinhisuniformandshorts,smartlybeltedandcreased.BesideusstoodtheCommunistsentry,around-cheekednorthcountryboyinrumpledbaggyuniform.Afteranhourinthehotsuntheyoungsoldiermutteredangrily,speakingforthefirsttime,"Thesepeople!Keepyououthereinthisheat.Gostandintheshade."Hejerkedhisheadatthepatchofshadealittledistanceback.Butnoneofuswouldlookathim.Wejustsmiledslightly,pressingclosetothewirefenceasifafraidtobeleftout.Still,foramomentIfeltthewarmthofracewashovermeforthelasttime.
ThatfatefulbridgehasoftenbeencomparedtotheNaihoBridgebetweentherealmsofthelivingandthedead.Likemostclich,itistruewhenyouexperienceityourself.Itmakesmeimpatienttohearwesternersquibbleaboutthefreeworldnotbeingreallyfree.Toobadthatmanyofushavetogobackoverthebridgewhenwecan'tmakealivingoutside.
IhaveanauntwhohasstayedinShanghaibecauseshecouldnotleavehernewhouse.Herson,justoutofcollege,joinedhisfatherinHongKongbutdidnotlikeitthere.Hewentbackin1952,justwhenIwasabouttoleave.HismothertookhimtohavehisfortunetoldoneeveningandIwentalong.Hewouldfindajobsoon,thefortunetellersaid.Buttheremightbetrouble.Hemightgotoprison.Thepredictionsoundedreasonableatthetime,withamovementonagainstbusinessmenandmanysuicidesandarrests.Theyoungishfortunetellerlookedlikeashopassistantinhisgabardinegown.IhadnoconfidenceinhimandresolutelyavoidedhiseyealthoughIneededbadlytohavemyownfortunetold.
MycousingotasmalljobinPekingaspredicted.Lifewashard,hewrotehismother.Getmarried,hismotherwroteback.It'stheonlywaytohavesomehappiness.Buthewasaquietboy,slowtomakeuphismind.TenyearslaterwhenIsawhisfatherinHongKongthistime,Iheardthesonhadwantedtogetoutagain.Checkinghisapplicationforpermittoleave,theauthoritiesseizedonthefactthathehadoncejoinedaNationalistgroupincollege.Hewassentencedtothreeyears'housearrestinhismother'smodernisticmansion,whichtheytooktheopportunitytosearch,probingthesofasforAmericandollars.Hehasallcomforts,evenservantstostandinlineforthedailyrations.ButthreeyearswithMotherisevidentlyconsideredenoughpunishment.
Iheardaboutmymother'sfamilyfromonofmyuncle'smarrieddaughters,theonlyoneout.Theothertwostayedinbecausetheirhusbands,adoctorandthesonofahighNationalistofficial,chosetostay.Oneofthesistershaddied.
"Sodidmybrother'swife,"saidmycousininHongKong."Andbothmenremarriedbeforetheirwives'boneswerecold.Fatherdiedofcancerafterlosingeverythinginthelandreform.MotheriswretchedlivingwithBrother.Hedoesn'tearnenoughandhisnewwifeisashrew.WeHuangsarefinished."
Lookingback,Isawhowmyfamilyandrelativeshadallbeentaughtbyourancestorstohangontoland,theonlycleanandsolidthing,bycomparisontowhichallotherpossessionsareshowy,immoral,thereforeimpermanent.Nomatterwhatfoolsone'schildrenwere,aslongastheydidnotslaplanddeedsonagamblingtabletheyweresafe.Despiteancestraladmonitions,intimeofcoursealltheirdescendantstriedtheirhandsatotherinvestmentsforbetterandquickerprofits.Manysoonfoundtheywerenotcleverenoughandresignedthemselvestotheyearlyincomefromtheland?acutdownbywars,famines,inflations?aandgrewpoorerandpoorer.TheCommunistsmerelyhastenedtheend.
NooneIknowisinacommuneorknowsanybodywhoisinone,withtheexceptionofaCantoneseamahwhowentbacktosweepthegravesthisspring.Herfamilybelongstothevillagecommune.Itisstillthefarmers,alwaystheworstoff,whoaregettingtheworstofit.Havingheardofthefoodshortage,theamahbroughtinabitofcookingoilandsaltedfishofherownuse.
Whenshearrivedforatwentydayvisit,thecommuneallowedhertobuyalargequantityofriceandsmallquantitiesofcookingoilandporkasaspecialfavor.Theporkwasdividedamongherfamilyandneighborsbecausetheyhadnottastedmeatallyear.Sowenthersaltedfish.Herlasttendaysthereshelivedonsnailsthatalittlegirlgatheredforherfromapond.
Therewasnocommunitydininghall.Everybodyqueuedupwithcanstogetthericeandwhatwentwithit,servedthroughtwoholesduginthekennel-sizedtempleoftheearthgod.Whentheygothomethefoodwascold,ofcourse.
Everydayatfourinthemorningamanbeatagongtosummoneverybodytothefields.Breakfastatnine.Workatten.Lunchattwelve.Workagainatone.Supperatsix.Workagainatseven.Butnotinthefieldsthistime?ausuallyitwascarryingcoalormud.Quitattenatnight.Sometimes"leapforward"totwelvemidnight.NoSundaysorholidays,onlyafewdaysoffattheNewYear.Thisdespitetheslogan"Letthefarmersrest."WagesvariedfromadollarsomethingtofiftyorsixtycentsJenMingPiaoamonth.Medicineshadbeenfreebutnowyoubuyyourown.Herddoctorswereavailablebutherbsarescarce.
WeChinesehavealwaysbeenatourbestwithinarigidframe,eveninpoetrywriting.It'swhenwearemosthemmedinthatweseemabletoriseaboveourselves.Aftertwentycenturiesofrulebythefamilywehavebeenfreeforperhapstwentyyears,andithasnotbeenapleasanttimeformanyofus,fullofconflictsandself-doubts.Nowthestatehastakentheplaceofthebigfamily,comingintoeverymomentandaspectoflifewithitsfamiliarpersuasivepressure.Thesheephasreturnedtothefold.Evenhungercanfeelright?auptoapoint.
ThosewholivenearMacaoswimamileorescapebysampaninbandssometimesasbigasahundred,fightingthemachinegunsofpursuinmotorboatswithsharpenedbamboopoles.Buttheywillnotstayputandfight.ThetroublewithusChineseisthatwearetoosensible.SixtythousandcrashedthelandbordertoHongKonglastMay.Theborderguardswhohadshotatsmallernumbersevidentlyheldbackbecausethecrowdsweretoobig,thegovernmenthavingalwaysavoidedmassacresifpossible.Afterthisthecommunesweremodifiedbutnotabandoned.ThereisalreadytalknowoftheirbeingrevivedintheareaaroundCanton.
Advancetwosteps,retreatsastep?aMaoTse-tunghassaidthisishiswayofmakingprogress.Whetherdanceormarch,thepeopledragon,hopingtooutlivetheirtormentors.
(1963)
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