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and then had a sanity hearing - women of every shape and size. I found myself going
around with a semi-hard almost all the time and cursing myself for being a dirty old man.
Going to the bathroom, that was another thing. When I had to go (and the urge always
came on me at twenty-five past the hour), I had to fight the almost overwhelming need to
check it with my boss. Knowing that was something I could just go and do in this too-
bright outside world was one thing; adjusting my inner self to that knowledge after all
those years of checking it with the nearest screwhead or facing two days in solitary for
the oversight... that was something else.
My boss didn't like me. He was a young guy, twenty-six or -seven, and I could see that I
sort of disgusted him, the way a cringing, servile old dog that crawls up to you on its
belly to be petted will disgust a man. Christ, I disgusted myself. But ... I couldn't make
myself stop. I wanted to tell him, That's what a whole life in prison does for you, young
man. It turns everyone in a position of authority into a master, and you into every
master's dog. Maybe you know you've become a dog, even in prison, but since everyone
else in grey is a dog, too, it doesn't seem to matter so much. Outside, it does. But I
couldn't tell a young guy like him. He would never understand. Neither would my P.O., a
big, bluff ex-Navy man with a huge red beard and a large stock of Polish jokes. He saw
me for about five minutes every week. 'Are you staying out of the bars, Red?' he'd ask
when he'd run out of Polish jokes. I'd say yeah, and that would be the end of it until next
week.
Music on the radio. When I went in, the big bands were just getting up a good head of
steam. Now every song sounds like it's about fucking. So many cars. At first I felt like I
was taking my life into my hands every time I crossed the street.
There was more - everything was strange and frightening -but maybe you get the idea, or
can at least grasp a corner of it I began to think about doing something to get back in.
When you're on parole, almost anything will serve. I'm ashamed to say it, but I began to
think about stealing some money or shoplifting stuff from the FoodWay, anything, to get
back in where it was quiet and you knew everything that was going to come up in the
course of the day.
If I had never known Andy, I probably would have done that But I kept thinking of him,
spending all those years chipping patiently away at the cement with his rock-hammer so
he could be free. I thought of that and it made me ashamed and I'd drop the idea again.
Oh, you can say he had more reason to be free than I did - he had a new identity and a lot
of money. But that's not really true, you know. Because he didn't know for sure that the
new identity was still there, and without the new identity, the money would always be out
of reach. No, what he needed was just to be free, and if I kicked away what I had, it
would be like spitting in the face of everything he had worked so hard to win back.
So what I started to do on my time off was to hitchhike a ride down to the little town of
Buxton. This was in the early April of 1977, the snow just starting to melt off the fields,
the air just beginning to be warm, the baseball teams coming north to start a new season
playing the only game I'm sure God approves of. When I went on these trips, I carried a
Silva compass in my pocket.
There's a big hayfield in Buxton, Andy had said, and at the north end of that hayfield